Saturday, January 17, 2009

The Top Ten Alternative Theories Which May Explain the K-T Extinction...

Why did all the dinosaurs go?

10 - Heat Strokes and pulmonary complications caused by greenhouse gases: Absent appropriate environmental protection regulations and zoning restrictions, ornithopods and hadrosaurs stripped most CO2 absorbing leaves and deposited huge piles of methane dung

9 - Rejection of “share the wealth” cooperative plan for food resources: As mammal populations grew, they made increased demands for food resources on the theropod “establishment” which provoked even more unrest by its “tooth and claw” response.

8 - Over-reliance on the Welfare State and loss of individual initiative: As large carnivores such as T-Rex became increasingly dependent on carrion, they gradually lost their hunting skills and starved, once the subsidized handout ended.

7 - Forced relocation to less desirable neighborhoods due to declining value: Lower property values caused by overgrazing and frequent theropod attacks prompted many herbivores to move to volcano hillsides and tsunami prone beach-front locations.

6 - Top Management’s (T-Rex’s) inexperience in responding to a global crisis: When meteorite “Katrina” struck the earth, it became apparent that no T-Rex emergency evacuation plans had ever been developed.

5 - A greed motivated “Ponzi” scheme designed to benefit only T-Rex: A small group of T-Rexs may have swindled their fellow carnivores by promising an unsustainable supply of herbivore carcasses. However, the scheme collapsed when the supply of hadrosaurs was exhausted and prey-predator ratios became unbalanced.

4 - Unwillingness to accept and accommodate non-dinosaur values and culture. Although smaller, the primitive tribes of mammal militants operating from caves and burrows gradually wore down the “super powers,” weakening the dino’s survival instinct.

3 - Mother Nature’s refusal to grant “bail-out” assistance for the “Big Three”: Although the Big Three (Tyronnosaurs Rex, Triceratops and Gorgosaurus) were said to be “too big to fail,” they all went bellyup after the massive food deficit.

2 - The societal impact of job losses caused by the demise of the “Big Three”: Collapse at the top of the food chain rippled throughout the ecosystem and resulted in mass unemployment among carcass scavengers and decomposers.

1 - Replacement birthrates insufficient to sustain dino population: As evidenced by their gaily colored feathered attire, gender distinctions became blurred as more same sex relationships developed, lowering the number of births.

Note: Although yet unproven, these theories may provide research possibilities to paleontologists

1 comment:

Hillbilly Hermit said...

Har! Wrong on two counts:

1. same sex relationships were a vain attempt to save them. dinosaurs bred themselves into near extinction-- 6.5 billion of 'em in a world that could support maybe 2 billion. the queerosaurs tried, but the breedasaurs launched an all-out campaign of extinction, and soon wiped themselves out through irresponsible and uncontrolled breeding.

2. There's a difference between extinction and mass die-off. A few queerosaurs of the hillbillyosaurus sub-species (and a few hippieosaurs) survived by learning to make do with what Nature provided. Seems to be a small but thriving population in an undisclosed location in southern Colorado.

good try though.