No one has seen him in almost a week and unfounded
speculation is running rampant. The Special Agent in Charge (SAC) of the
Denver Field Office is insisting that Wally has run off to a foreign country in
order to engage in “some kind of weird version of jihad,” Mr. Ravenelle is
rumored to have said. Detectives
assigned to Denver’s police intelligence unit, however, dispute the feds’ assumption. “Since Wally doesn’t believe in much of
anything,” said one Denver detective, “he cannot possibly engage in any kind of
jihad.”
Meanwhile, a CIA contract employee in North Kora reports
that both Wally and Dennis Rodman are secretly vacationing in North Korea and
partying-it-up with Kim Jong-Un.
Although unable to confirm Wally’s current whereabouts, the
CIA Station Chief in South Kora made unofficial note that both Weird Wally and
Kim Jong-Un are missing at the same time.
Additionally, the station chief
also noted that he has no interest in the current whereabouts of one Dennis Rodman.
Update: Late Friday
afternoon Wally is rumored to have tweeted, “#UniteBlue My Colorado friends,
Vote No on 68 and Yes
on 105."
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